Do You Even?

I am at the point where I want to yell and scream at the person that the reason I am so fucked up and screwed is because of YOU!

All those years of being made to feel unworthy, that I am not good enough.  That I am not important enough….It came from You!  From the time I was younger to this very day you make me feel as though I am the lowest life form on Earth.  That I am not worth the time of day and that anything where you need to be involved with me … no matter how remote is just an effort, an obligation.

You were the start of it…I then became an easy target for others to use, abuse and control me….their groundwork was already laid out on a nice platter for them.  I was already broken.  I was already “just settling” because all I craved was someone to love me. It didnt take much for them to pick it up and carry on….say a few simple words, something sweet and they were on their way.  It didnt matter where my addiction for craving came from or was filled….

It never matters that I am always the one to reach out for you…because I crave the contact, a connection that has never been there, that will never be there.  Yet I continue to try.  I continue to crave that relationship like honey to a bee. Never once have you reached out to me.  Never once have you ever apologized.  Why would you….I am the fuck up.  I screw everything up.  Its just so much easier to assume and place the blame on me.  Did it ever cross your mind that maybe that is part of the reason that I just don’t want to be here?  Do you even know that even as a young teen I tried to cut my wrists over and over again because it was easier to try and die than to have it all thrown in my face every day.  All day. Do you realize that even now, I sit and contemplate ending everything more often then people will ever know?  Does that even bother you? Do you even care? Do you even think of me or am I just nuisance that you are unfortunately reminded of from time to time?  Do you ever care that with each day more and more distance grows?  Do you even miss me? Do you ever wonder if I am okay?

The sad thing is that each time I foolishly reach out, I am like a little puppy dog….eagerly waiting to be loved.  Wishfully wanting to be taken home.  To be included.  To be a part of something…  The reality is that each and every time it fails….for whatever reason.  Sometimes yes it is my fault.  I push you away.  I apologize in time.  Other times it is your fault…you never apologize.  Why would you …why and how could you ever be wrong when the screw up is involved?  Instead, after a short while, I am again that puppy dog, this time being taken back to the pound or left on the side of the road, because I am no longer useful or required.

I dont want fake.  I dont want to be the obligation.  There is enough of that in the world as it is.  I want genuine.  I want loyal.  I want love.  I want real.

Im not using you as my scapegoat.  Yes you laid down the framework for me to spiral down.  You made it easy for others to do the same.  In time, I will recover and when that time comes and I believe that I am worthy and that I am deserving of good in this life.  The time will come where it will be too late.  No, Im not in denial that you will suddenly decide to be a part of my life…yeah right!  But it will be too late.  Perhaps one day you will read this.  But then lets face it, it just gives you another reason to put me out a little more….like squashing the butt of a cigarette.

All I ever wanted was for you to love me and treat me like the others.  All I ever wanted was to be made to feel as though I meant something.  All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me….if only just one time.    I guess it was just too much to ask……

Iamworthy2015