Me Vs Me…Who Will It Be?

I am not entirely sure when I became the person that I am.  I am not sure when I stopped being the person that I was.  Are they the same person just older?  Or is it someone who has grown as a result of life?  Someone that is molded to suit the “ideal culture” in the way we all think, dress and act.  At what point do you stop liking the person you have become and wish for the person you were to return?  At what point did you stop liking the person you were and became the person you are now?  Am I in a world that is not quite ready for me or am I in a world that I am not quite ready for?

I remember who I used to be.  For a long time, I could not remember her.  Perhaps I managed to block her from my mind for a while.  It makes sense.  Why would you have use for her when you are no longer her.

I used to be one of those happy nutters.  Not a nutter in the “normal” sense.  I am not crazy and there is no disrespect for others in me using that term.  I used to get around school with this ridiculously constantly hyperactive way…like I was constantly on red cordial!  Constantly chatting, laughing and carrying on.  I always had a smile on my face, always had a hug ready to give when it was needed and always ready to have a good cry if it was needed.  Not much got me down.  It was ridiculous.  The catch was when you didn’t have a good day, and couldn’t quite get your happy mask on straight…people tended to quickly realize something wasnt right.  But that was ok…I bounced back and people would soon start wishing I was quiet again!  It wasnt that I was an overly positive youngster, I wasnt.  I worried about a lot of things.  I didn’t have confidence – what teenage girl does!  Especially when the majority of my mates were males – I’ve always gotten along better with blokes, I don’t get the whole girly thing.  But the female friends I do have, I treasure and love deeply.

Back in these days, I was a lot closer to my sisters.  Yes we fought like hammer and tongs but we were close.  It is a feeling I miss painfully.  I was a typical teen to a point when it came to the parentals.  I could get a long with one or the other separately or both if it was just me.  I guess that’s just how I dealt with it.  We had the typical arguments, we don’t need to rehash those but harsh words were spoken on either side and hopefully I will be forgiven for that in time.  I was the happy kid.  I had nothing to complain about besides the dodgy boyfriends, my weight and and my friends.  I didnt smoke, drink or do drugs.  I had a part-time job, I paid my way with mum and dad.  We were a normal family with bumpy rides, but they were my family.  Looking back now, yes Id change a few things but only on my behaviour side.

But I was unstoppable.  Always on the go.  Always had some random and sometimes silly pipe dream.  I was going to be a rock star.  Realised I couldn’t sing in a way that would sell records to anyone but dogs and cats.  I wanted to go into the military and police force.  I had an issue with being told what to do!  Not in the ignorant arrogant way of a normal teen but in a way that I don’t ask anyone to do something that I am not prepared to do myself!  I wanted a career in law then realised that the justice system is appalling.  I then started working straight after school and realised I wanted a career, I wanted a family, a marriage that would last forever, a house that I could my own with fences and puppy dogs and children chasing each other around the place.  I wanted a shed that was just as much my cave as his.  I wanted room for the boat, the ute, the forbie and the camping gear.  I wanted an entertaining area where I could have good times and make memories with friends and loved ones and watch my children grow.  I had the typical crazy ideas that teens have – except for taking over the world – that was to be my sisters department.  I remember we used to joke about going into business together – an island resort where I would manage the resort side of things, my middle sister would run the restaurants etc and my youngest sister would sort out the touristy stuff.  We would be a team, a force that would be unstoppable.

I think it was from memory not long after I finished high school back in 2000 I guess the rose-colored glasses came off.  Don’t get excited and think ahhhhh real life hit her…you had to work and stuff.  No that was no surprise, I was prepared for that.  That I looked forward too…a new challenge, something to sink my teeth in and somehow I would make things better in whatever I chose to do.  No I think everything started changing when family members started dying.  Some close to others.  Some you understood, some you didn’t.  Some you still question today.

I guess in a way, I was beginning to feel as though I was being abandoned.  Everyone I loved was leaving me.  Clearly it wasnt just me they were leaving – come on I’m not self centered, but I’m not talking about everyone else – I am not trying to heal everyone else am I? I am trying to heal me!

I used to have faith in ……something!  It wasnt a religious faith.  I’ve never held much hope in a religious faith.  Though I don’t judge others for their beliefs.  I can’t even tell you what my faith was….I believed in something and whatever it was, was still allowing the people I loved in the world the most to be taken away from me.

It was at this stage I think I began to change…and not necessarily for the better!  I became jaded, cynical, guarded.  My walls are pretty unbreakable.  The wall in Game of Thrones with the crows defending it has nothing on mine walls and I have only myself to guard and protect them.  I did not trust easily.  I did not open up easily.  I began to push people away from me….I felt that if no one close to me, I couldn’t hurt them and they couldnt hurt me, that way if something happened…I wouldnt have to feel that pain of losing people.  This included family.  I became troubled.  Not for any particular reason that I can pin point but after some time, I realised something wasnt right and I began my first lot of anti depressant.  This went on and after a while I just felt funny so started cutting the dose and coming off.  I held okay.  For a time.  Life went on.

Shit started hitting the fan about 10 years ago.  It was a difficult year with 3 family members, close family passing on.  It was a shit of a year.  There is no other way of putting it.  It was the year I became a mum also.  I upped and I downed with life.  But I held on.  Just.  I was slowly spiralling, I just didn’t know it.  As time went on I became a wife which bought on a whole new lot of issues.  I then became a mum of twins.  This was the end of many things.  This was the trigger for many things.  This was the beginning of many things.  I wasnt okay.  I copped depression and post natal depression on top of it.  Not pretty.  By now, I was shutting down.  I wasnt responding to anyone or anything.  I pushed everyone away as far as I possibly could and then I would push a little more.  I barely smiled.  I rarely sung to the dog and cat crowd.  I didnt crack my stupid pun jokes.  I was numb, I was cold, I was gone.  In time, the marriage broke down.  The bad relationships started occuring…we dont need to go into that right now.  And at the end of all that…..I began to learn and see the type of person that I had become.  Id become a walking contradiction.  I was cold-hearted and numb, but couldn’t walk past someone in need of a hug.  I was cynical and jaded, my smiles were never genuine or sincere, but probably more like a sneer.  I believed in nothing.  I had no faith in anything.  I lived for my children and that was it.  And even then that was pushing it.

Coming out of hospital last year I have continued an interesting journey.  I have realized how much I push people away, but then get upset when they walk away.  Just because I push people away doesn’t mean that I want them to go.  In my mind, if I wanted them to go, I would be quite clear about saying so.  But I don’t always realize that to them it can appear as a very fine line. I realize that I have become so isolated in my fear and anxiety’s that I actually struggle to even text people to say hi how are you? or ask if they would like to catch up.v  Let alone ask for help!  I soon realized that gone is the girl who used to chat constantly to the point where sometimes she would tell herself to shut up.  Instead was a girl scared of the world and what the people inside it might do to her.

I’ve reached a point where I need to make a decision.

Do I let the cynical and jaded bitch that is so guarded up to the nines rule my life? Do I live a life surrounded by walls that yes keep her protected, but stop her from getting out into life too? Or do I fight for the girl I used to be who had ridiculous dreams but one helluva a fire in her that could not be watered down for anyone?    One who had defiance in her eyes and a stubborness to her that couldn’t be tamed?

Lately, sometimes I see the spark of the old me.  She gets a little fired up. She gets cheeky. She stands her ground.  She squares her shoulders, tilts her chin and dares the world to take her on….or maybe just the kids.  She had freedom about her – one that allowed her to be responsible for her responsibilities in life but still follow her dreams.  Whatever they were.  And she doesn’t stand for any shit.

The thing is the old me is still there.  She has changed a lot by life and some of its circumstances.  I got dealt with a few bad hands yes and I have paid the price of that over and over.  I have to retrain my brain into believing that i am in fact worthy of this happiness that comes with being who I truly am.  I allowed myself to be broken down and molded into something that was not me.  And that worked for a little while.  What those people didn’t realize when they were trying to mold me into what they wanted me to be was that I am a strong person.  I am incredibly strong.  You cant box in something that doesn’t fit the mold.  You cannot keep me in chains…not for long.  You cannot simply mold me into something you want me to be. I am me.  I was not made to be contained.

On my good days, I now see a lot more of the old me.  She gets a bit cheeky, she gets a little defiant, she gets a little stubborn and she wont be walked over.  She laughs more.  She cracks her stupid little pun jokes and then laughs as if they are the most hilarious thing she has ever heard – which you never know, it really might be!  She hugs her children.  She holds them tight and she tells them she loves them.  She sings again to serenade her dog and cat fans and piss off the neighbors with her terrible tone but god dammit she is going to nail that part of the song whether you like it or not.  She will dance with that vaccuum amd mop while she does the housework. She will play every music air dum and guitar solo and by god she will nail the lead vocals and cover the back up vocals as well.  She will slide across the tiles with her socks on.

She stopped believing.  She stopped believing in her dreams.  She stopped believing in her vision of life and the world.  She stopped fighting for what she wanted.  She stopped fighting for what she believed in. She stopped believing in herself.

She is coming back.  She is going to return and she is going to take on the world.  She hopes that she will have people by her side, she hopes there will be people protecting her, defending her, helping her, guiding her and laughing with her.  But she also knows that she needs to stand up for what she believes in even if that means she stands alone.

The guarded part of me will always stay.  I believe that is a very important part of me that needs to remain.  After all, I do need to protect myself.  My nature is loving, caring and giving, so naturally that gets used and abused a lot.  But what I can learn to let go of is the cynical and jaded part of me.  I have seen things I don’t need to see and I will carry those with me.  But I can try to use that part of me that kept me going for so long.

I truly believe, as naive as it may sound, that when I bring that happy nutter back, I will find that peace that I have been searching for.  That freedom I have been looking for.  I just had to realize that it wasnt all coming from the chains left from others but from the chains I had on myself – clinging onto the person that I had become – but the bad parts I didn’t like about myself.  So that is what I will work on.  I will dig around and find that feisty, fiery, stubborn, defiant, cheeky, giggling Gert.  I don’t care anymore if the world is ready for me, I will be ready for the world.  And quite simply, because I refuse to let the later me win.

As for the freedom…..tell me….when you laugh, a good decent belly aching jaw locking laugh…how do you feel?  Free.  You feel free because in that moment, there is not a single care in the world that could contain that laugh and that feeling…so why do we?

I’m going to spread my wings and I m going to fly.  I am going to soar and the highest of heights.  I will do that because that girl never totally disappeared….she was there all the time.  She just needed time to grow.  She needed to be reminded that she was not the bad person.  She was not the one in the wrong.  But now…she is ready to fight and make her comeback.  She will pass this on to her children.

Ready or not, here I come.

Iamworthy2015.

 

 

 

 

She Hopes…..

Its been a while.  Been a while since she has opened this.  Been a while since she has written.  Its been a while since she has felt human.  Its been a while since she has smiled – and its been real.  Its been a while since she has laughed – and meant it.  Its just….its been a while.

A lot has happened.  A lot hasn’t.  A lot has changed but at the same time, nothing has changed at all.  She takes a step forward….. she slides 10 meters back down a dry and gravelly hill.  She can’t get a hold of anything to grip onto.  She exhales one breath……She inhales a tonne of insecurities and uncertainties.

Anxiety is in full swing …..she cant take the bins out or check the letterbox until it is dark.  She doesn’t go to the shops or anything like that on her own – that’s too scary.  She will sit and cry in the car in the garage before she can go anywhere.  She explained this to her mum….she looked at her as if trying to decide whether she was for real or just telling tales.  Unfortunately….its true.  She wants to get a grip, kick herself in the ass and say just get on with it.  But she cant.  It has taken on such a hold that the chains are starting to tighten and the walls are closing in.

Being mum used to be a role that she loved.  She worked full time, but she kissed the boo boos.  She attended the school events.  We hit the parks and the play grounds.  We snuggled in bed, and huggled on the couch.  We laughed, we played, we cried, we argued.  We loved.  It was all part and parcel and she loved every minute of it.  She made it work.  Now, the role of being mum, the job of being mum, the act of being mum now is quite simply a role that she can not cope with anymore.  She has no patience.  She has no tolerance.  She has no desire what so ever to kiss the boo boos away.  No desire to cuddle them and hold them.  She cant stand them to be anywhere near her.  In the same house at times is far to close.  She just doesn’t care.

Everyday is a struggle.  She struggles with the realization that while she was hopeful that things were heading in the right direction and moving forward.  She is instead getting hit left, right and center fighting just to be a mum.  Knowing that this is not the mum that she was doesn’t help.  Knowing that she is in a different head space at the moment doesn’t help.  Knowing that she should be kind to myself doesn’t help.  It doesn’t make anything feel better.  It makes it feel like a bigger failure.  An epic fail.

She is very much aware that time is precious and that her kids will not be like this for ever.  She knows that they are growing up way to fast.  She knows that she is wasting time.  But she can not help it.  She would give anything to be able to hold these kids in her arms and have it return to how it was.  Will this ever happen? She understands that right now she is doing the best that she can with what she has right now.  Is this enough?  She is damaging them with every word, every action, everything.  But she cant stop.  She is just trying to hold on.

She hopes that this isn’t permanent.  She hopes that they will forgive her.  She hopes that she can help them and explain to them in time that she just wasnt okay and that she is sorry.  More sorry then they will ever know.  She hopes it wont be too late. She is hurting more than they will ever know.  She hopes she can forgive herself…..

She  hopes.

Iamworthy2015.

 

 

 

 

 

What You Need To Know….

I am a guarded person by nature.  I do not open up easily.  I do not trust easily.  I have walls that would put the Great Wall of China to shame.  I am defensive.  I am hard.  I can be cold as ice.  I have been broken – my pieces are sharp.  I am however you see me.  You will see what I allow you to see….  It’s a lot to deal with.  I am a lot to take in.

When I am not okay, I will shut down.  I will keep to myself.  I will talk minimally.  You will think I am in a bad mood.  I’m not.  I’m breaking.  I’m tearing myself down.  I’m shredding myself into thousands of little pieces.  Quite simply…I’m falling apart.  Spiraling down into some sort of black abyss….  I’m hurting.  I’m scared.  I can’t breathe.  I’m anxious.  I’m shattered.  I’m exhausted.  I’m drained. I’m needing to cry – but can’t.  I’m needing to scream – but can’t.  I’m needing help – but don’t know where to start.  I need to be held – but don’t know how to ask and even if I could ask…once I start, that would be it. I’m trapped.

My shut down is for your protection as much as it is for my own.  I’m not mad.  No not at all – though I see why you would think that.  I don’t know why I shut down.  I don’t know why I retract from everything and anything.  It’s what I do.  It’s what I have always done.  I don’t know any different and for that I am sorry.  It’s what I need to do….to think, to deal, to process, to protect myself, to cope…I just don’t know any other way….yet.

I have a lot of things I need to deal with, a lot of thought patterns I need to retrain.  Those things don’t come from you.  They come from the past.  These things have shaped me for so long, it has become such a part of me that it is more me than I ever was.  I need to change this.  I need to retrain these thoughts and recreate new habits, new belief systems.  Ones that are more inline with the truth.  More inline with who I am.

What you don’t realize is that the person that you are is what is challenging these thoughts.  The things that you do, the things you sometimes say are opposite to what I have thought and believed for so long.  This is good.  This is what I need.  I need someone to see me – as I am and who is not afraid to tell me or show me.  To open my eyes and allow me to believe that the thoughts and beliefs that I have had for so long, all that negativity is simply no longer required.

I am not crazy.  I am not mental.  I am none of those things…though I am sure you would love to label me that and pass me off as that crazy, moody bitch.  I cannot stop you from thinking that.  I will not stand there and defend myself.  Not anymore.  I am who I am.  I need to be accepted for that just as I accept you as you are.

What you don’t realize is that underneath everything.  Underneath all those broken and shattered shards is that I am someone who is caring, supporting and loving.  I am the one that will love you with all my heart, with everything that I have.  I will support you through every up and every down.  I will stand by your side through every situation.  I will stand in front of you to protect and defend you.  I will stand behind you to catch you as you fall.  I will be the one that stands in your corner, never leaving, never wavering.  I will stand with you as the world stands against you.  I am and will be the most loyal and caring person.  Perhaps to a fault, but I will never leave you to stand alone.

I’m not an easy person to love….I know that.  More than you will ever know.  It wont be easy, but I am worth it…..  This breaking…..its not permanent.  I will fight this.  I guess sometimes, it’s just nice to have someone in your corner…..

It’s a lot to ask, but I need  you to look past everything.  I need you to see past the shut down.  I need you to see, to know that this person, this is not who I am.  That this person here, this girl is as a result of trying to hold her shit together for so long that everything just blew up in her face.  No, there are some parts of me that will never be the same again.  Some parts are just too far gone, to broken.  Maybe that is for the best.   But I know that the girl I have always known I am is there.  I know that she still exists.  I just need help bringing her back.  She needs someone to believe in her.  She needs someone who will ride the waves with her.  Someone that will stand with her through the ups and downs – just as she would stand with you.  Someone who will love her unconditionally – as she would love you.  Someone who will catch me as I fall.  Someone who will love and protect me.  Someone who will stand in my corner.

She just needs a little help…..

Iamworthy2015

 

Do You Even?

I am at the point where I want to yell and scream at the person that the reason I am so fucked up and screwed is because of YOU!

All those years of being made to feel unworthy, that I am not good enough.  That I am not important enough….It came from You!  From the time I was younger to this very day you make me feel as though I am the lowest life form on Earth.  That I am not worth the time of day and that anything where you need to be involved with me … no matter how remote is just an effort, an obligation.

You were the start of it…I then became an easy target for others to use, abuse and control me….their groundwork was already laid out on a nice platter for them.  I was already broken.  I was already “just settling” because all I craved was someone to love me. It didnt take much for them to pick it up and carry on….say a few simple words, something sweet and they were on their way.  It didnt matter where my addiction for craving came from or was filled….

It never matters that I am always the one to reach out for you…because I crave the contact, a connection that has never been there, that will never be there.  Yet I continue to try.  I continue to crave that relationship like honey to a bee. Never once have you reached out to me.  Never once have you ever apologized.  Why would you….I am the fuck up.  I screw everything up.  Its just so much easier to assume and place the blame on me.  Did it ever cross your mind that maybe that is part of the reason that I just don’t want to be here?  Do you even know that even as a young teen I tried to cut my wrists over and over again because it was easier to try and die than to have it all thrown in my face every day.  All day. Do you realize that even now, I sit and contemplate ending everything more often then people will ever know?  Does that even bother you? Do you even care? Do you even think of me or am I just nuisance that you are unfortunately reminded of from time to time?  Do you ever care that with each day more and more distance grows?  Do you even miss me? Do you ever wonder if I am okay?

The sad thing is that each time I foolishly reach out, I am like a little puppy dog….eagerly waiting to be loved.  Wishfully wanting to be taken home.  To be included.  To be a part of something…  The reality is that each and every time it fails….for whatever reason.  Sometimes yes it is my fault.  I push you away.  I apologize in time.  Other times it is your fault…you never apologize.  Why would you …why and how could you ever be wrong when the screw up is involved?  Instead, after a short while, I am again that puppy dog, this time being taken back to the pound or left on the side of the road, because I am no longer useful or required.

I dont want fake.  I dont want to be the obligation.  There is enough of that in the world as it is.  I want genuine.  I want loyal.  I want love.  I want real.

Im not using you as my scapegoat.  Yes you laid down the framework for me to spiral down.  You made it easy for others to do the same.  In time, I will recover and when that time comes and I believe that I am worthy and that I am deserving of good in this life.  The time will come where it will be too late.  No, Im not in denial that you will suddenly decide to be a part of my life…yeah right!  But it will be too late.  Perhaps one day you will read this.  But then lets face it, it just gives you another reason to put me out a little more….like squashing the butt of a cigarette.

All I ever wanted was for you to love me and treat me like the others.  All I ever wanted was to be made to feel as though I meant something.  All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me….if only just one time.    I guess it was just too much to ask……

Iamworthy2015

Like An Octopus Slapping You In The Face…..

I have never been one to be overly afraid of confrontation.  A little verbal argument never hurt anyone right….release a bit of pent up frustration, anger all that emotion? Yeah that changes a little after you get whacked around but not to worry.

The most confronting thing I have done was not leaving school and heading out into the big wide world.  It was not becoming a mum.  It was not taking on the world as a separated mum.  It was not even the loss of loved ones (don’t get me wrong….that is confronting but in a completely different way).  It was my trip to hospital.  The mental ward to be precise.

I know that I have spoken about my admission into hospital and some of what I did there.  Looking back, I realize that I did some good in there – not so much for myself but for others.  I guess in turn, making sure other people are okay makes me feel okay.  I came out of hospital and I believe that I now want to spend my life helping others…I don’t know how yet, I haven’t figured that part out, but I want to help others.  I want others to realize that they are not alone.  There is more out there.

I have spoken about the slamming doors and everything being locked.  The place is covered in security.  Having to eat food with plastic plates and cutlery because you know…everything is high risk.  That’s just how it is…

What was confronting is having tables and chairs thrown at your head…because a patient didn’t get their own way…usually it wasnt time for smoke break.  I just happened to be the poor sucker sitting in the dining hall doing my crosswords, listening to music and probably crying.  Looking back now…its kinda funny…I tear up because it was terrifying, but the sight it must have been….me sitting on my chair as an island in a room full of upturned tables and chairs.  It was a short episode…over in mere moments as most of them are, before the patient stormed out belting the door as they left.  I was shaken.  I was terrified.  I started putting the furniture right….I mean I just remembered the answer to my crossword clue.  A kind person helped me….we knew each other somewhat outside of here and struck up a friendship.  He was one of the people I spent a lot of time helping…trying to.  Staff came by as the patient was barry barge arsing their way out of the room and I was checked on.  I was okay.  Just shaken.  That was the main thing.  Still makes me cry even now.  It was right up there with that first night of being locked in here.

There were other things….I was pushed against a wall because I replied with a hello as I was spoken to by a patient walking past….only to realize that they were talking to their reflection and I was interrupting their conversation.  You get your head bitten off for saying hello to some.  You get yelled at if you don’t speak to others.  Its all very confusing.

This was the most confronting thing I had ever done.  Going to hospital and being around people that were in a completely different head space, a different planet to you.  This is not having a go at these people not at all.

I remember saying to my parents as I would update them with the events that occurred…..surely I am not this bad.  Surely this isn’t me.  I’m broken.  I’m down and out and just need a place to break and hide for a while.  But this isn’t me.   I’m guessing that perhaps it wasnt easy for them to hear or see this either….you don’t expect your children to end up in a mental institute…but what choice did I have…right then it was that or suicide.

The other confronting thing is….I had to do this on my own.  Don’t get me wrong, I had support…I had family, I had friends, I had my psychologist and I had the nurses, doctors etc all at my finger tips.  But all that is useless, if you aren’t prepared to put in the hard yards, the work yourself.  Have you ever tried helping someone who isn’t ready or doesn’t want to help themselves?  Its impossible.

I put on my bob the builder hat and against better judgement, I focused on the few nice people i had met in there.  Some of them became friends who I still talk to today.  I worked with them…helping them, being a shoulder to cry on.  You get to know the staff in these wards – quite well especially when you are in there for so long.  It became “apparent” that I was the most normal person in there …..which is always interesting because for anyone who knows me…normal is not normally a word used to describe me 🙂 lol.  I became the clown or something.  I provided the comedy relief for the staff ….i had like a trillion dad jokes and puns that I had been collecting while in there and I was about to let them lose.  I had nicknames for a lot of the patients – none were insulting, but its what I did to pass the time…I created a character for them.  I did.

I am cho0sing to look at my hospital visit in a multitude of ways.

• possibly the gateway to soul searching…..you are at your rawest, most vulnerable…there is no way to hide.  If your hiding…why are you there?
• the most confronting and soul stripping thing I will ever do.
• a positive move on my behalf….I reached out at one of my lowest points ever.  I mean the cops showed up at my door to take me!! But I reached out.

I’m not ashamed of my hospital visit.  Its not necessarily something I like to announce to everyone, but I’m not ashamed.  I needed it.  I needed the place to break….I needed to be confronted with the different types of people…it was like being slapped in the face by an angry octopus!  There was no letting down.  There was no where to hide.  You either did your best to work with the staff and the resources there to get back on the path or you were wasting the time of everyone including yourself and the resources available.

Is it scary…YES.  Is it easy… NO..  But living in the darkness of mental illness…you are already used to everything being scary.  You are used to everything being hard….the most simplest of tasks is difficult.  You may not be in that head space yet.  That’s okay….I didn’t know I was there until I sent that message saying I was done.  My psychologist knew me better then I know myself and without her jumping into action…..without the police showing up ….. without my sister coming to take the kids….without my best friend showing up to take me in….all of them, each and every one of them dropped everything to do what I no longer could.  Yeah that’s bloody terrifying!!  It wasnt easy admitting “my failure”. But without it….I wouldn’t be here….. Again it was like that octopus just slapping me in the face like it was happy hour.

That night, the demons almost won.  They have almost won many days and nights since….those are the days I am low.  Those are the days I push everyone away.  Those are the days I sit on the kitchen floor and cry.  The nights I don’t sleep because then night demons will take over.  These are the days I delete pretty much everything and everyone from my phone because I just cant take it anymore.  I remove myself from their lives….so I cant tarnish them.  But, then when I find the strength to fight…that’s when  you realize you are alone.  Again.

The moral to this one is don’t be ashamed of hospital, or breaking down.  Again, don’t be ashamed of your mental illness, your demons have that under control and will do that for you! If you feel it is what you need, if you don’t feel safe….then get in touch with someone who can get you where you need to be.  Be the octopus slapping others in the face….you have made a giant step….you have recognized you need help and are reaching out….don’t stop until someone listens.  There is too much at stake.  You have too much to prove wrong.  Those demons don’t get to win….not today.

Iamworthy2015

 

Let Me Be Clear….I Am Trying

As I blog away and as it hopefully reaches out to others, I wanted to take a moment to clarify the point of this blog….for me.  It is not easy to sit here as I type whatever runs through my mind.  I am opening myself up in order to try and somewhat heal.  As I type each and every one of these blogs…I am in tears.  I shake. I feel on edge.  I feel suffocated.  I feel trapped.  As I type these….I open up the same reactions, the same emotions that I went through the first time and every time after that.  I am raw.  I am vulnerable.

My aim is to have an emotional outlet, an emotional release that safely allows me to let go of things that I have been holding on to for far too long, or alternatively try and find some sort of peaceful place to sit for a bit until I am ready to process the next hurdle.. If along the way, I can reach out to others or others can reach out to me and I can help them some how…..then this makes it worth while.

I will refer to people in my life….family, friends, partners, children etc.  While I may reference these people and refer to these people……I AM NOT laying any blame, any judgement or anything negative towards these people.  The people that have been there for me I love with everything that I have and I could not have done it without them….bumps and all.  I still cannot do it with out them.

The thing with mental illness and in my case depression anxiety, is your mind will always revert back to the negatives in your brain….the rejections, the betrayals, the view that you are not worthy and not deserving of anything but hell.  This is a trained thought pattern that is fine tuned to perfection to always be the first thought to pop into your head….when good happens(the voice…this wont last long, you’ll stuff this up you always do), when bad stuff happens (the voice….see what did i tell you?).  In time and with the right support from the right people around me, I will be aiming to change that train of thought to the more positive views.  In time.

While my references to the above people maybe marked as or make you feel negative or that I am ungrateful or uncaring and hateful.  This is not the case.  Not at all.  Not for a moment.  Not for a second.  It is simply the way in which I reacted to the events, the occasions, the situations.  The way I felt during this time.  Its painful.  It hurts.  Its not pleasant to write and I would hazard a guess that if any of my loved ones read this it may not be pleasant to read.  It is not a judgement on you.  This is not written with disrespect.  It is not written with the intent of insulting others.  It is not written with the intent of hurting others.

So if you want to come back at me saying I shouldn’t have written this, or shouldn’t have written that or the whole world doesn’t need to know about that.  Please take a moment to realize that I am trying to heal.  I am trying to let go.   I am trying to move out of a rut that has become my home for so long.  I am trying to not be lonely.  I am trying to not be isolated. I am trying to reach out.  I am trying to step out of the darkness.  I am trying to move away from the suicidal thoughts that run through my mind too often.  I am trying to stand my ground and deal instead of running to escape.  I am trying.  If you dont like it….thats okay.  I wont force you to read it.

Just think…… if you are hurting by what is being said in these posts…. You are not the only one. So this….. ? This is me Trying.

Iamworthy2015.

Its Okay To Not Be Okay….

My psychologist is not just my psychologist, she is my friend.  I trust her judgement both professionally and personally.  Let me get this straight…when I say a friend, we don’t socialize outside of our sessions.  We do not go for a cup of tea.  We do not sit and people watch together.  She is however someone that I have literally opened myself up to.  This person I trust literally with my life.  At first, yes I was guarded…I dont let people in, not easily.  You let people in and they leave. But it did not last with her.  I saw that she was there to help me, I believed that she was there to help me.    I soon learned that it was impossible to be guarded or wear a mask around this person.  She sees through it.  She can tell by my body language, the way I stood, the way I sat, the way I walked, the way i spoke, the way I held my self.  She could tell by taking one look in my eyes.

I used to believe that to go and “see someone” was a sign of weakness.  That only “true nutters” went and saw people like that.  I was wrong.  I would be a “true nutter” if I didnt see someone.  You see its not always about sitting there and fixing your problems….not directly anyway.  Sometimes it is just the matter of sitting with someone that you trust with everything that you are.  Knowing that they have your best interests at heart, they have your safety in check and they have the knowledge and the resources to deal with what ever comes out of you mouth.  The best thing is…..THERE IS NO JUDGEMENT.  It does not matter what mood I walk into that office with (as long as she is safe lol!)…and face it, there is no use hiding what mood I am in…she sees straight through it!

This is the person I texted the night my partner died.  Along with a couple of other people.  I knew I would need help and support very soon after his death.  Thats when the weekly appointments started and they continue to this day.  I would sit in the office and cry. I was raw.  I still am raw.  Together we worked over the events of that day of that night.  From start to finish.  She held me as I fell apart.  When I am lost with my children at my wits end…she helps me put strategies in place that may assist me.  When I lose friendships….she helps me to understand that people are seasonal. She helps me see the positives on the negative days.  Helps to guide me into seeing my own positives, my good traits on days I dont believe there is anything good.  She helps me to believe that I am worthy and worthwhile when it has been drummed into me that I am not.  To guide me, to pull me into line when I was going off the beaten track to far.  To help me see where I was going when things were shaky and not so clear.  She helps me to be somewhat okay with the darkness when Im not so ready for the light or as i slide too far down.  She sits there as I cry, when I am numb and I process all of the different emotions in any one of my sessions depending on what demon I am fighting that day.  She stands with me as I prepare to go into battle.  She stands with me on my strong days, my defiant days, my stubborn days.  Those days we work my dreams and goals for the future.  Other days we work on how I can get out of bed.  How I can leave the house.

The point I am trying to make with this is that there is help and resources out there.  There is no shame in reaching out.  If I hadnt of reached out to my psychologist to tell her I was done, I was planning on taking myself out.  I would never have been admitted to hospital where I so desperately needed to be.  I had gone beyond crying for attention, I had hit the bottom.  I was on my last ditched effort.  Without her, family and close friends I would not be here.  Ive tried.  Will I try again…quite possibly.

Today, I am having a stronger day.  I am feeling okay…. and we all know that “okay” when you have mental illness is code for “good”…these are one of your good days.  Your up, your out of bed.  Some of your housework has been done.  Your even out of your pjs.  So today I have no idea what my post is about….im literally just typing!  But I wont apologise for its randomness….this is who I am random….mental illness or not!  I like that about me.  I also wont apologise for the randomness because sometimes this is just how it is….no filter.  Your thoughts arent always streamlined and orderly.

One thing I have learned is dont be embarrassed of your mental illness.  You are not your illness.  Your illness is not you.  Sometimes it requires medication to manage….thats okay.  You work through it until you find the right one/s.  Sometimes you need help with doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists.  Thats okay too.  If your friends dont stand by you….that hurts like hell, but it is better for your health in the long run when they walk away.  I know this.  It happened to me.  Its okay to be scared.  Its okay to be angry.  Its okay to scared.  Its okay to not be okay.

Ignore the stigma.  Dont be the statistic.  Dont allow it to control you.  Get out there and fight, this is what you are made of.  This is what you were made for!  You have dark days, weeks, months even.  Thats part of it…dont think I am glossing over anything.  I am right here with you.  But sometimes you just want to get out there and say “Stuff you all, hit me with your best shot today”.  Yeah you will sleep for the next week because you are exhausted…..good days take a lot of energy out of you!  But for that one moment, you will feel freedom.  The taste of who you were before, who will be again and who you are.  In the twistedness of mental illness, you lose who you are…you lose sight of who you are.  These good days are a reminder that that person is still there.  Just under the surface waiting to burst through.  These are the days where you are the pink starburst.  You are the glitter covered star that shines bright.  Dont allow anyone to take these moments from you.

Life has its ups and downs.  We are not immune to any of these downs.  And quite frankly if I met someone who had never had a bad run, I would walk away…. I have walked away from 2 people my whole entire life….Im a fixer.  I dont walk away, I stay and try to heal them to back them better.  How can you possibly connect with someone who has no idea on what it is like to struggle?  To sit in darkness when every light is on?  To sit on the kitchen floor and cry while your dinner burns?  I dont know whether to be jealous of them?  Suspicious of them? Or to feel sorry for them?  Sounds weird I know, but you know what I mean.

I am increasing, the hard way that you need to have people in your life that you can reach out too on all occasions.  My instinct is to push people away….I have to work on that.  I have pushed my immediate family away to the point where we no longer talk.  I dont see or speak to my sisters, to my brothers in law, to my niece.  I barely talk to my parents.  That hurts…..alot.  I did the damage and I dont know how to fix it, to undo it all. I miss them.  It hurts. I dont know how to let people in.  My psychologist has taught me that people are seasonal….they have a purpose in your life.  At some instances they are just not capable of being able to assist you with what you are going through at a certain point in time (i.e. mental illness…they walk away).  This does not them a bad person (though there are instances as we know), it just means they arent “equipped” to deal with you are dealing with.  This is okay.  It is at these times you will find support in others, other people will step up and step in to support you in ways you could never imagine.

I have been very fortunate in that I have a few close friends that have not left me side through my dark times.  I dont have to always see them….they are a text, a call away …I just have to say the word.  A few that have been with me since primary school.  A few new friends that without any of these people, I would be lost with out them.  I also have a psychologist who makes up my team.  Who does not let me wander too far and keeps me in line.  I see a psychiatrist.  I see a social worker.  These people are working with me to get me back to where I need to be so that I can conquer the world the way I dream I will.  Without these people, these support networks, I would be lost.  I would not be here.

Today from my random rave, if you take something away from this…I want it to be this:

• Remember, its okay to not be okay.  Be kind to yourself.
• Reach out for help….there is so much help out there.  There is no shame.
• Don’t be ashamed…this is who you are right now….its not forever…this too will pass.
• Sometimes you need to stand for who you are on those stronger days…even if it means you are standing alone.  You would be surprised who you soon see standing beside you.
• Be You.  Be Real. Your not made to stand in someone else’s shadow….. Cast your own.

This may break you….but it will only be for a little while.

Iamworthy2015.

The Wedding…

So as I continue on my merry little way, I have come to realize that among the normal stuff you have to process, I am still harboring a lot of anger, guilt, betrayal towards my family…that is probably nothing new, but more so towards my sister.

I may come across cold hearted and like ice to the world…I am in fact the opposite.  I guess maybe this just goes to show how hard living with this can be and how your reactions to everyday things are changed.

My sister was overseas in Paris (like everyone else when they get engaged – bugger that!) When I received the call telling me she had gotten engaged…I was the proudest person earth.  My little sister was not so young anymore.  She had finally found the most beautiful person to share her life with…she had found her happy ever after.  I was ecstatic.  A few months later, I was asked to be a bridesmaid.  The ultimate honor as far as I was concerned was to be able to stand there beside both of my sisters as she became a married woman.  I’m such a sook, I cried….I was so proud, so excited, so happy.  My headspace was amazing..it was off tap.  I had broken free of the chains that had held me tight, I had found an amazing partner to share life with and my sister was getting married.  What more could you possibly want!  There were the normal stresses involved with planning the wedding…I just did what I was told when I was told!

Everything was in place.  My eldest son had been very troubled, so it was decided that he would be the Ring Bearer, a role he took incredibly seriously.  He was treated like the other groomsmen…they included him in every little detail.  My partner was coming down to be with my twins through the ceremony.  He would then take them back to the hotel to look after them and put them to bed….It was my night off he said, it was my night to not worry about the kids, he had it all under control.  My heart just swelled.  Then he died.

As you know, if you have been following my incredibly disjointed  journey…I was admitted into hospital 7 months after his passing.  Naturally the wedding had to occur this time frame.

I missed the hens night…I could deal with that.  Though it was hard as pictures emerged on facebook etc and it became obvious that I had not attended…the attention came, the questions came, the snooping for information came. I dealt with it the best I could.  Yes I could have gotten a short release from the hospital but to be honest..my head wasnt there, I was focusing on what I was trying to deal with and aiming for the wedding. Thats what kept me going some days.

As you also know there was a family meeting where everything was discussed…medications, treatment options, my progress and my non progress.  My withdrawing into myself. The wedding. It was the elephant in the room …. just like me.  It was said that I would be allowed out for the weekend, the night whatever option.  I would be loaded up with the necessary medications to allow me to get through the day.  In otherwords, if I got shaky or started to break … hit me with valium.  I didnt care.  If it meant that I would be there, to stand beside my sister on her day, then I would do it.  I would do whatever it took.  It was decided my meds would be changed the normal rigmarole…I refused the ECT treatment..no way.  Im broken…Im not a nutcase.  I had 2 weeks for the new stuff to show its colours and see how it would assist me.

It didn’t matter…..

It was a Tuesday night and both of my sisters had come to visit me.  I didnt care, I was getting out of the 4 walls for a little while.  Just up to the cafe but it was nice…fresh air.  It was awkward as all hell.  Small chit chat was held.  I knew there was something that was going to be told… I just hadnt clicked what it was.  You need to understand that when you hit that breaking point and even now sometimes, basic thought is not capable.  She stumbled over her words and I knew it.  She had made her decision.  So i blurted it out….you dont want me i the wedding party…. No. There was more to her response but that was it, I closed down.  I said I understood.  Thank you for visiting.  Goodbye.  I turned around and I went back to my safety place….funnily enough the only place I ever felt as though I truly belonged was im a bloody mental hospital! One of my sisters ran after me to hug me…i just turned and carried on.

Let me just take a moment here to say that I understood my sisters decision.  I dont believe that for a moment that it was an easy decision for her to make.  This was her wedding day, it was her day.  She needed to make the decisions best suited to her.  I understood that, dont get me wrong but oh god the pain.  I literally could feel myself crumble.

I got back to my ward…..I saw my nurse and explained what had happened…kind of hard to hide when you start crying and your face goes as red as a bloody tomato. It was decided that I would be given something to help me settle that night.  Tomorrow, I would tackle the issue with someone to discuss it.  But now it was time to sleep.  I cried for hours until they decided to give me a tablet.

The next day was no different.  Except I messaged everyone and told them thank you but it would be best if they didn’t visit me anymore.  If they had stuff for me, they could drop it off at the hospital and it could be passed on.  I wanted nothing to do with my family.  I was huge emotional mess. I was hurt. I had failed.  I was guilty. Im sure I was angry but just didnt have the energy to act accordingly.  I was numb.  I wanted nothing to do with that wedding.  I didnt want to go.  I didnt want to hear about it.  I didnt care.I spiraled down.

I felt that they had given up on me.  I felt that I still had time to be okay to be at the wedding.  I could do it.  They said I could have medication and if thats what I needed, then thats what I was bloody well going to do to stand there.

My sister messaged me.  Telling me not to punish the whole family for her decision.  It was on her, not them.  She had told me that it was the hardest decision she had made and that she felt terrible.  None of it mattered.  The thought was nice, but it didn’t fix anything.  I didnt speak to any of them. I couldnt even if i wanted to.

Any visits after that were awkward…as the wedding drew closer thats all anyone wanted to discuss.  It was exciting…for them.  And possibly any other time, it would have been for me also. But I didnt want to hear about it.  I didnt even want to go.  I stand by that even today.  Then I found out that I had been replaced….I was gutted quite literally.  It was one thing to be dropped and that I could come to terms with.  But to then know that I had been replace…yeah well.

I battled with myself…as you do…what else do you do!  I was torn.  I didnt want to go to the wedding.  I looked like shit. I felt like shit.  I had been away from people for over a month now.  I didnt want to go.  But I knew, that if I ever got or get better, that that would be my biggest regret…missing my sisters wedding.  But I didnt want to go.  Family (that were expected at the wedding) were starting to be informed that I was in hospital and why.  The idea was that I would have support around me on the day if it got much.  I played it brave.  I stuck on a mask and planned to go.  My beautiful best friend fired into action….she found me a place to get my hair and make up done.  One preferably in home that could fix me after being in hospital for so long….my skin, my hair everything was dry.  I was pale and tired and face it I looked more crap than I usually do.  She then took me out for a morning at the shops the week before….we got hair color, hair clip things, lipstick, razors and some stuff for my kids for the wedding.  Followed by a well deserved break of cupcakes and milkshakes.  I couldn’t remember the last time id had outside food.

That week, my youngest sister collected me.  We went and got our nails done.  Mum joined us.  It was nice.   I was exhausted and I was terrified.  The closer the wedding came…the worse I was.  I didn’t have this.  Not for a single micro second. Who the hell was I fooling?

Arrangements were made.  My bestie would be pick me, get me made up and fixed up. My ex husband would drive me to the destination.  I would help get the kids ready.  My uncle was on standby and was kept posted all day on how I was traveling…he had the medication bar a couple. It was like I was an over sized package being delivered…quite literally Fragile..Handle with Care.  Everything, every action, every move I was to make had at least one back up plan.  It was my safety net.  The hospital had a copy of it.  My uncle had it, my parents had it.  Everyone knew where I was at all times.

The day came…..My beautiful friend picked me up at sparrows fart and we traveled to where I would get ready.  she took the photos while the artist did her magic and magic she did!  We then had a lovely breakfast as some fancy look cafe.  We then went to her place where I would be picked up.  I was okay..I knew that I was safe and okay with her.  My next ride came.  I hadn’t seen the kids in some time now so that was good.  Very emotional but good. As we started to head down the coast, I got nervous.  I wasn’t feeling so good about things now.  I was ready to pull out.  We arrived at the hotel.  It was kind of confronting….there were people there.  I wasnt used to that.  Thats when shit got real.  By the time the kids were showered and dressed, I was a wreck……who the hell did I think I was to think I could pull this off?  Who the hell was I fooling?  Break number 1.  My dad gave me a tablet to settle.  I walked and breathed it off.  After a while, I was sort of put back together.  I held it while I got dressed for the wedding. I felt like mutton dressed up as lamb.  I was wearing black…it was my outfit that I was supposed to wear to the hens night….it was all i had.  It would have to do.  Even now, I was saying to myself, I dont want to do this, I dont want to go.  This is too much.But id already failed my sister once….could I do it again?  It was time to go.

Off we all went to the where the wedding would be held.  A beautiful venue.  As soon as I saw it, I thought of my partner…it would have been just his thing…his ideal place for a wedding. Not to mention the fact he had the same name as the groom.  I wasnt in the mood or the headspace to be celebrating happy times.  I was feeling the wedding grinch.

I saw my soon to be brother….he reallly is a beautiful person and I am so happy that they have found each other.  He hugged me and told me he was sorry.  I said that I was sorry and fell apart.  About 5 minutes he stood there and held me together while I broke down.  Break number 2.  There were other guests arriving…he told me they will wait.  I needed to walk away.  I needed to separate myself from people … this was getting messy.  I caught my uncles eye and off we went.  Breathing.  Crying.  Talking about anything to change my thought pattern.  I couldnt do this.  I want to go home.  I dont want to be here.  We walked for some time.  Quite difficult to do in heels!  I was finally ready to head back again.

There were more people now!  Oh hell I wasnt ready for this!!!  People looked briefly at you before darting away…..no one knew where to look, no one knew what to say, no one knew what to do. I just felt isolated.  My mum arrived … it was almost time.  She did the whole meet and greet thing and as I started to cry again…..she grabbed me hugged me and then took my hand and said “its okay, lets go do this”.  I sat away from my family on the otherside of the aisle.  I sat next to my almost brother in laws mum.  She too was fighting emotions.  I sat with my children clinging onto them.

The music started.  We stood and we turned around.  The bridal party started to walk down the aisle.  They looked beautiful, but I was starting to feel like a rat in the cage.  I was trapped, I couldn’t breathe.  I needed to go, I wanted to go.  But having said that I was paralyzed. I couldn’t move.  I couldnt get my feet to move.  I stood there and cried like an idiot.  I couldnt look any of them in the eye.  I felt guilty.  I felt like a failure.  I felt hurt.  Suddenly the red carpet, the sky everything else was so much more interesting.  I kept my head down so no one could see me.  Break Number 3.  Except now I had no escape, Id lost my chance as now the Bride was making her way down the aisle.  I was emotionally torn in every direction.  I was so proud of her.  She looked beautiful.  She looked like a princess.  I was now hurting like hell.  The feelings of guilt and failure were becoming quite a problem.  Everyone was asked to sit and there was no way I could now make an escape without it being blatantly obvious ……the oldest sister was leaving the wedding.  Yeah that would have just been great.

I sat there.  I clung to my twins, my twins clung to me.  I cried. I listened.  My heart was filled with such love and pride for the both of them and for my eldest child standing up there alongside them his chest puffed as he waited patiently for his important role.  But I was breaking.  Breathing wasnt working for me.  The ceremony ended.  It was beautiful.  I waited for a moment and then went to the happy couple…by sister and brother.  I hugged them both.  Gave them my congratulations.  My bridesmaid replacement said something to me, I dont remember what it was.  I was in a different place.  I needed to get out.  I needed to leave.  I felt that there was this huge big hole all around me and it was going to swallow me.  My kids didnt need to see this.  Not again.  I walked away.  I cried.  I just let it out.  Everything….It wasnt just the fact that I wasnt in the bridal party let me make that clear.  Yes that was painful.  It was the fact that I had not been around any where near this amount of people for sometime.  I had not had to be in society.  I was trying to deal with the grief of losing my own loved one.  I was broken and I was raw.  Emotionally it was way way way to much for me.  I had no energy resources built up, my tanks were empty my reserve tanks were none existent.  I was done, I was physically. mentally and emotionally spent.

My uncle followed me and let me let it all out. Id texted dad to let him know that Id had to disappear…. the ceremony was done.  I know longer cared about the state of my hair and make up.  Id held so much “together”sitting there for that half and hour that I wasnt capable of doing anything else.  I wanted to go home.  By home I meant hospital.  We sat there an had a cold drink….the sugar was designed to try and provide a sugar high for me….the rules are different when you run on empty.  My dad came and told me it was time for a photo.  Ugh Id forgotten about that.  I have one professional photo with my sister and only my sister on her wedding day.  They were whisked off.  It was time for my twins to go with their dad.  This was very difficult as we had only just seen each other after some time….thankfully a couple of people helped him take them away as I turned the other direction and went back to hiding.  After a while I settled.  It was now time for the reception.

This part wasnt so bad….people are too busy sitting down and socializing and drinking so I could blend in to my surroundings quite easily as always. As much as I was surrounded by a room full of people, I felt very much alone.   People looked at you.  It was obvious I was the sister of the bride so why wasnt I with her?  I didnt care.  I was quite happy to just be in my own place away from everyone else.  Yes it was isolating and quite hurtful to have people keep there distance, but I was too tired to care.  Id just come to realise this is how it is…..

It came time for the speeches.  I had a valium to settle me.  I had written a speech.  My intention was to stand there infront of everyone and say my piece about how proud I was of my sister and of what she had become. I would flash back on some time as youngsters but not much.  I was happy with what I had written …it was all I was capable of.  My uncle had a copy of the speech.  The intention was that he would follow along and if it got to much, would step up and carry on.  The last speech was made.  It was now my turn.  Our dad was emcee.  Im not sure if my sister knew I was making the speech, Id wanted it to be a surprise, but I think my youngest sister let it slip lol.  It was okay.  My dad looked at me questioningly….are you okay to do this?  I nodded. Pfft yeah right your asking the broken blubbering mess if she is okay??  I took a deep breath and stood.  This was it.

I did it.  I said my speech.  I did it with my dad and my youngest sister by my side.  I was shaking like hell….I could barely hold the microphone.  But I did it and I meant every word and to this day I mean every word.  After that I didnt care.  I watched the newly weds carry out their first dance.  I watched the bridal party and the parents and everyone else join in.  I watched my son shake it up and break it down on the dance floor.  I broke as some of the most painful songs came over the room.  I stood there on my own and I was okay.  Id made it.

I didnt hang around all that late.  I was exhausted. I was spent.  I was only in a few photos the whole day.  I cant look at any of them.  I look terrible.  My mum said its okay….its just the space that I was in at the time and this is true.  But they look horrid.

To this day, while I am glad that I went, it is still too much of a bittersweet day….and again this is not just to do with the bridesmaid thing.  It was a confronting day.  It was a happy day filled with much love and pride like it should be. It was a day in which I realized that I would not be celebrating anytime soon in my own life. However there is a huge part of me that wished Id stuck to my guns and not gone.  Will this change?  I dont know.

Right now, my sister and brother are living a life of love and joy and happiness together, just like they should.  They are setting themselves their dreams and goals to live and share together…just like they should.  My love and pride for them remains and always will.  I wish them all the very very best in life and that has never and will never change.

But right now….I am so far removed from them…from all of my family.  Of my own doing because I cant let people in.  Thats my damage and mine alone.  Perhaps one day I will be forgiven…but until then….this elephant will remain in her room….

Iamworthy2015

 

 

The Thing Is…

I have depression anxiety.  Im suicidal at times.  Im broken.  Im not nuts, but Im screwed up.  There I said it.

The stigma around mental health really does shit me to tears.  My depression is not me.  It does not define me. Does not define who I am.  Nor do I define it.  I remember the before.  On my better days I dream of the after.

Depression is something I have “battled” for a good chunk of my life.  As a teenager, I would self harm.  Razors, scissors whatever i had access too.  My parents put it down as just being a moody teenager.  Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t.  I just knew I wasn’t right.  I wasn’t okay. No one ever knew.  I would pack it up and had off to school as if I didnt cry myself to sleep yet again. I would show up with this stupid big grin on my face.  Be hyperactive, loving my friends, loving life so it would seem.  Id have a guy on my arm and friends by my side.  Helping and soothing your best friend when the latest asshole broke her heart.  I was everything I appeared to be.  There, I was everything I wanted to be.  Some days I am sure it was genuine.  It was fake.  A mask I had perfected.

I went onto my first lot of anti depressants…. finallly convinced mum that there was something more going on.  I ended up like a zombie.  In time, I took myself off them.

I finished school. A few things happened.. I started sinking again, but its not cool to you know not be “normal”.  So i puttered on.  I had full time job, had my own place everything was going okay..I held my own.  I had perfected my mask so well, even I didnt know the difference.

Then I got a call from a friend from school.  We used to date.  He was saying his good bye…Thank you for everything. I appreciate all that you have done, but tonight this is it.  Thank you.  I went into overdrive.  I told him to be standing at his front gate in  minutes.  I was coming.  Don’t do anything stupid.  I had savings.  I was going traveling…even I had dreams.  I spent all of my savings integrating him back into the world.  Haircuts, clothes, theme parks, shopping centers anything t get him back around people again.  I did up his resume.  I looked for hours to find him work.  I cleaned him up.  All the while I was still working full time.  I was devoting myself to this person.  A friend.  In the end we “fell” in love.  We had a child, we got married and had then had twins.  After being together for like 10 years and married 6 of those, the realization that it wasn’t right hit me.  Each time he lost his job…it was up to me to find him a new one.  I loved him yes, but this was a man that wanted a mother.  I needed a partner.  I was drowning.  I had hit post natal depression and also “normal” depression on top.  My mask was slipping.  He refused to believe anything was wrong.  I started seeing a psychologist.  I came to the realization that this chapter had to end.  It needed to for the kids sake, for his sake and for my sake.

Believe it or not, it was the best decision.  I found a lease on life. Though it didnt come without its catches.  The toxic relationship came along …thats another story.  But needless to say the cracks started to appear in the mask.  I held my own but ….. I didnt know what was real and what was on show anymore.

Then the suicide…well I held the cracks together for a little while but yeah.  They still remain open.  The mask doesn’t work.  I cannot put it back on.  I have tried.  One minute I think yes I have got this…the next minute oh shit here we go again.  The pieces are so far apart that im pretty certain you could fit the grand canyon in between each and everyone of them.

The thing is ….. the lack of understanding of depression.  The view that “well she is on medication…why isnt she fixed yet?”  Id love nothing more than to be fixed.  Its the darkness, the isolation, the feeling that your head is spinning a trillion miles a second all the time.  It doesnt stop.  On the occasions that it does stop…well you don’t want to know that thoughts that flow through then.  People ask…”how can they help?” I don’t know.  Im not capable of thinking what needs to be done, what has to be done or whats going to help.  Its more like you need someone to just come in and take charge for a while.  Its sometimes just sitting with me.  Just let me cry.  Let me vent.  Let me hate the world.  Its just being there….allowing me to know that i am not alone.  Its the fear of going outside.  Its the fear of people. Its the fear of failing at something that you are terrified of even trying.

I have copped crap from family and friends for years about not showing up to birthdays and events etc…..they dont understand that sometimes I just cant!

The thing is though that even in my darkness, on my stronger days i like to think Im going to fight this. Im not going to let this win.  im not stubborn and defiant for nothing.  Im going to kick its ass and everyone elses with it, Im going to return to full time work, im going to return to being an awesome mum…Im going to return.  That takes 10 minutes of defiance and now im exhausted again.

Im still the same person you knew before you discovered I had a mental illness.  Im the only one that notices and knows the difference.

My mental illness does not define me.  While it controls me some days it wont be forever.  I do not define my mental illness. I will control it some days and it wont be forever.  Until then…

Iamworthy2015